Sincere apologies for going missing last week, technological obstacles got the better of us, but alas we are back! It’s gloriously fricking hot, so we’re going to keep this cool and brief, and cool. This week we have Ben Marwood, keeping it far from brief. So that one’s gone out the window. Ben has a few things he’d like to get off his chest. I think it’s great to see someone really let loose of any credibility concerns and just get stuck into what these interviews are really all about. Bravo Ben, bravo!
(Photo by Ben Morse)
Which planet in the solar system, besides Earth, best reflects Ben Marwood?
I’d definitely say Neptune. I’m no god of the sea, but I am far from The Sun. Formerly I could’ve been Pluto, but that’s no longer a planet. I’m not large enough to be Saturn or Jupiter (and I don’t own any rings, and I’m not made of gas), and Uranus sounds like the kind of planet Blink 182 would choose.
Do you think birds appreciate the views they get over picturesque landscapes?
I bet they don’t. Humans definitely would though, wouldn’t they? I’m no fan of heights but the view from planes is always great. Maybe we should have a day like Take Your Child To Work Day where birds help us fly. Alternatively there should be a Freaky Friday moment where birds and humans swap bodies, then we could soar (majestically) and.. I don’t know, birds could work out how to use a toilet. Hilarity would ensue. Adam Sandler would probably have to be involved.
Is space travel really worth it?
Well.. hang on, no-one’s ever asked me that before, and I’ve never really considered it. I love space. Love it. Never been, but I hear it’s spacious. I used to think it was such a huge shame that everything in space is so far away, so if we wanted to go to some other solar system tomorrow, we’d have to get a spaceship and fly in that general direction for, oh, decades. That’s a shame. In terms of practicality, space travel helps us understand the universe and that is probably a good thing. It does make it look like the technology in Star Trek is rubbing it in a bit though. Warp speed? Those futuristic bastards. “Just popping over to Alpha Centurai for some milk, won’t be long” etc.
Favourite jungle to inhabit?
I’m reliably informed (very recently, in fact) that the Indian jungles are magnificent. I guess, for lack of any other jungle knowledge, that I would have to start there. Personally I’d like to go to Australia for some jungle experience, or perhaps Brazil. If I had a choice though, I would choose to inhabit no jungles at all, because they’re typically stocked with some pretty hefty spiders. Whenever I play a show I make sure to not include pretty hefty jungle spiders, because there’s something about them that just makes me run off crying, whilst searching for the largest glass in the building and a really big bit of paper. Or a massive vacuum cleaner. When my Dad used to find big spiders in the house he would just get one of the cats to eat it, so perhaps if I’m going to be inhabiting a jungle, I should take a big cat. A lion perhaps.
Favourite game to play in a kid’s arcade?
A kid’s arcade? Like, with all the flashing lights and noises and driving games where you sit in an oversized chair with a big steering wheel in front of you? I guess those would be my favourite because I can’t drive, so getting to sit in the big seat and making ‘vrroom’ noises makes me feel like a grown-up.
What happens to our souls when we die?
They return to wherever they came from. If we were born from nothing we return to nothing, but of course if there is some larger plan, then I guess we wait in a big queue to be reprocessed into the big soul-ball or soul-soup or whatever it is. I am pretty hacked off that I have to die, so much so that I don’t think I’ll bother. Is it Buddhism where the general consensus is that we’re life-forms made from carbon, in a universe primarly carbon-based, so if there was something else we wouldn’t have a clue what we were looking for anyway? I quite like that. It takes the pressure off. I do feel a little pang of guilt whenever someone asks me about my soul though – a year or so ago, someone religious stopped me in the high street on one of their big Jesus recruitment drives (er.. I mean they were asking people if they believed in God, they weren’t actually actively auditioning for a brand new Jesus) and when I confessed I have no faith to speak of, they asked me the same question you have. I replied “I.. don’t think I have a soul..?” and the poor girl tried some poor combination of intense sorrow and pity whilst fighting the urge to exclaim herself inside out.
If I were prime minister for a day and could remove or enact one law, it would be…
Hah, this would be great! There are so many terrible laws in the UK, but I think I would take an opportunity to remove one of the most ridiculous ones: that you cannot play music in a public building if it doesn’t have an entertainment licence. I mean, I guess I understand it would be illegal for a pub, for example, to blast out radio stations if their pub isn’t registered with the performing rights society, but it is actually illegal for you to sit down at a piano in a pub and play Chopsticks, if that pub hasn’t paid for an entertainment licence. What’s even more stupid is that if you go out for a birthday meal with someone and the restaurant you’re in doesn’t have an entertainment licence, if you all start singing happy birthday, the restaurant can be shut down. It sounds ridiculous, yes, but as far as I can remember a few years ago that actually happened.
And if I were prime minister for a day and I could remove anything, it would be Nick Clegg. I would remove him so fast his head would spin. I’m not pro-Cameron or anything – it’s not some plot to get the Coalition out of the way and the Tories can fuck right off – but Nick Clegg is the Jeremy Kyle of politics. He just sits there drawing on some imaginary life experience, acting like ruler of all of England when really he’s only in that position because he failed at everything he set out to do. I voted Lib Dem in that election, as I voted Lib Dem in the prior elections, and to think you’re voting liberally only to find that actually the guy you voted for has struck a deal with the party you were trying to keep out, that was fairly gutting. That he underwent an overnight transformation from Man Of The People to Utter Twat didn’t really help either. Fuck off, Nick.
‘The Morning Waffles’ will be back next Friday with another extra-special guest, read last (two) week’s here.
