The Milk – Tales From The Thames Delta

The Milk – Tales From The Thames Delta

the milk tales from the thames delta album cover

If you were unfortunate enough, ever, to find yourself in an O’Neill’s on a weekday evening or, worse still, a Saturday night, you’d be likely to find a band exactly as good, no better or worse, and exactly the same, essentially note for note, as Essex’s absolutely disgraceful answer to a question no-one ever asked (‘What would the Style Council sound like if they were all unemployed McDonald’s workers?” is that question), The fucking Milk.

They are the pub-rock Maroon 5. They are the absolute worst we have to offer.

One of the most offensive aspects of The Milk’s rancid spew is their desperate desire to affiliate themselves with wonderful musicians, sounds and labels. ‘Stax, Chess and Motown’ cries their press release. The Milk bear as much relation to these rightfully celebrated imprints as a used condom overflowing with blood and cigarette ends being forced into your throat by an escaped murderer relates to a perfect coastal sunset experienced alongside everyone you’ve ever truly loved.

They compare their rhythm section to that of The Roots. They describe their ‘flow’ as being akin to that of The Beastie Boys’ seminal ‘Paul’s Boutique’. They are absolutely, defiantly, dangerously deluded hollow shells of men reflecting a shadow of wanton nothing across a nation that (perhaps)deserves better.

‘Vandellas-meets-Springsteen’ it says here. Jesus fucking cunting Christ. Are you kidding me? If the Vandellas did indeed ‘meet’ Springsteen they would undoubtedly enact an entirely justified ritual murder/suicide in order to prevent the even vague possibility of music like this being created in their name. Like the skinheads that subverted punk for all the wrong reasons, The Milk are attempting to fuck the corpse of soul and rock n’ roll in the hope that it’ll somehow come back to life and embrace them with open arms before making them billionaires. They twist the corpse into various dreadful shapes (this is their music you see) and hope you’ll be distracted by it’s rictus grin long enough to get away with it.

‘We really had to go for it…Fuck work, fuck everything else’ self-righteously spits singer Rick. They shouldn’t have done that. They all should have stayed in whatever gainful employment they could get and spared us of this middling, sensible, faux-wild, fake-passionate absolute hollow void of an abyss of musical nothing.

The track that drew A&R scum to them like so many coke-hungry whores is ‘(All I Wanted Was) Danger’. It’s not the worst song on this ‘album’, though believe you me it IS one of the worst songs ever written. Imagine hearing Dexy’s Midnight Runners if they had literally NO soul, NO commitment to their art, ABSOLUTE ZERO passion and heart. Imagine, then, if they were The Stereophonics. That’s who The Milk are – The Stereophonics of fake soul.

They have a song called ‘Mr Motivator’ that you will be unable to believe exists. A song so offensive as it blindly stamps on the history of reggae, the reputation of soul, the whole of music as a cultural experience that you can only pray it will be buried under a thousand mile high pile of bricks, the planet abandoned and humanity re-homed in an alternate universe simply to avoid its’ hateful, sickening money-grabbing, fake working class awfulness.

A band of the people they’d like you to think judging by the awful honking about things his ‘momma told’ him on ‘B-Roads’ a tale of being persecuted by a biker gang. Yes. You heard. These people are frighteningly mentally unwell. They reduce the currency of music by and of the people to such a degree that they actually denigrate society itself. Civilisation is next to worthless, surely, if this horror can be allowed to flourish.

Did you know that this is the band that ruined the reputation of the mighty Idris Elba by having him guest on one of their dirty little dirges? That’s the kind of evil power they have – they can make The Wire shit. You MUST turn your back and chant ‘I Don’t believe in you’, you must.

The Milk are The Sun’s favourite band. Much as I’m sure The Sun is The Milk’s favourite newspaper. This is not an obstacle we can overlook or ever overcome. There are worse things than being sell outs, worse things than being absolutely synthetic – The Milk are all of those things and have so many more of the unspeakable traits we’ve not even invented terms for yet.

If you buy this record you despise music, music despises you and society will fall. At least that shitty dadrock band in O’Neill’s are doing it for less nefarious reasons than these worthless charlatans.


  1. Wow, this review comes across as nothing but hateful bile. So much for objective journalism eh?

    I’ve never heard of the band, but all you’ve made me want to do is check them out. And I can assure you, I do not hate music.

    This has to be one the nastiest reviews I’ve ever read. I’m guessing one of the band members has offended you personally because there is no way you can hate something this band without being emotionally connected.

  2. Wow. This review is a disgrace, and this band is fantastic. You clearly have no objectivity and therefore have ZERO credibility for reviewing. May god have mercy on your soul.

  3. If you demand worthy, objective dullness from your music journalism, and if this genuinely is one of the nastiest reviews you’ve ever read, you’ve probably only ever read Q magazine, and The Milk will probably be your new favourite band.

  4. Reviewing music isn’t about being objective, it is about asking the question “is this music good?”- and informing the reader what the writer thinks based on that simple question. Naturally when a band sends out their music with a press release comparing them to the likes of Springsteen, The Roots, Beastie Boys (all great artists), and the band not only doesn’t sound like the likes of any of those artists, but struggles to define and develop their own style, the writer, in this case Mr. Hall, can only go off of what he hears and is forced to make an informed decision based the material the artists have put out. Having seen/listened to the track with Idris Elba on youtube a few weeks back, I couldn’t help but think it was an elaborate practical joke on Elba, as it seemed like something I’d watch on Funny or Die or PUNKED. The Milk are not a good band. This is not a good album. You can say Mr. Hall has written a nasty review, but why not get in touch with The Milk and tell them they should have written a better album? That seems like a much more appropriate solution.

  5. You and Dawn are absolute bellends. How have The Milk once compared themselves to any of these bands? They stated they were influenced by these bands, it’s like saying Nirvana were rubbish because they took influences from Pixies and The Melvins. You’re obviously and pop loving mug and have no understanding of good music. GET A NEW JOB!

    1. Firstly, I believe you mean “a pop loving mug”. Secondly, there have been plenty of amazing rock bands that also fall under the massive “pop” genre umbrella you’re so quick to assume equates to nothing but total shit based on your comment. That is fine, you are entitled to your opinion. As am I. As is Mr. Hall here. But my point was simply if a band’s press release is going to compare them to some great artists- not saying they were simply influenced by them, but basically stating in that cheap PR way that their sound is the bastard love child conceived after a night of heavy drinking and a broken condom between said artists, and they actually sound nothing like those artists, well then, their PR person is actually the one who needs to find a new job, and the band should do a better job attempting to define their sound and create their brand. Logic. You should try it some time.

  6. haha this review is great, obviously you are in a band yourself that has done nothing but practice in the garage for the past 10 years, you must have shit in your ears mate, or your just a cunt, i think its both. if you realy mean what you are writing then i tell you now,you are the milk of the media world, u should have stayed in bed mate, its u against the world, because the rest of the world likes good music, you just like beuing a cunt

  7. Mr Hall,

    In your pretty scathing, but pretty accurate review I was bothered by one comment:

    “frighteningly mentally unwell”.

    I didn’t realise reviewer actually meant qualified mental health practitioner.

    If you don’t like the music, think they are sell outs, think what they write about is ludicrous or whatever then surely there is a better way of articulating this opinion?

    Mental health problems already have a strong stigma surrounding them that people are afraid of talking about in fear of looking weak or being mocked. You wouldn’t make a comment about a disability, race, gender or sexuality, so why is it acceptable to use mental health in a derogatory way because you don’t like what they do?

    I’m pretty sure when you wrote this you were not aiming to be offensive to anyone other than The Milk, but I’m sorry I think that comment is just unnecessary and ignorant, and judging by the review above you are more than capable of conveying your opinions in a more effective way.

  8. Think ppl are taking this review too seriously. So what the writer hated the album and the band. If that band believe in what they’re doing they’ll keep going and continue to make music. They might even take on board what the writer’s said and some good might even come out of it.

  9. Dear Daniel.

    I was merely pointing out that as a clearly educated man, Mr Hall is more than capable of conveying his opinions without using a disability in a derogatory way. I was not in away suggesting this is his stance in general, but in this review alone.

    Having read the article you posted, where Mr Hall states that it’s a positive thing Springsteen and Angelakos are “normalizing a stigmatized problem”, I would have thought he would be slightly more aware how the comment in this review could may be seen as doing the opposite?

    Therefore I still stand by my original comment that it was not necessary to use this in this review.

  10. Dawn, thanks for correcting my grammar.. so original. Irrespective of what you may think these boys have already acheived more than you have/ or ever will acheive in your miserable little life. It may be your opinion but it means fuck all to anybody, and to target the lads personally not even based on there music considering you’ve never met them makes you and the author come across as nothing but absolute cunts.

    Maybe you should do your research, never have they or any of there entourage stated they are equivalent to or are trying to sound like any of these acts. They are just stating they are some of there favourite artists who have influenced them, what do you expect?

    Have fun slating these boys while there out playing sell out gigs doing what they love.

    1. No Jamie, thank you! You point out my lack of originality in correcting your grammar, but clearly don’t understand the difference between “their” “there” or “they’re”. If you did, you would have used it correctly while you were pointing out just how accomplished The Milk are compared to myself. And yeah, in their field, they are more accomplished than I would be, or dream to be, because I’m not a musician, just person with good taste in music. Then again, it certainly isn’t my goal to be called ““Irresistibly infectious” by The fucking Sun. How can I take anything you write seriously when you don’t even have enough self respect to put together grammatically correct cohesive sentences?

      I’m not targeting the lads personally. I’m sure they’re lovely lads who enjoy watching TOWIE when they’re not writing songs in a shed in their small little Essex town. I’m sure they’re as lovely as anyone from Essex can possible be. Who love to have a bit of good old fashioned bants over a can of Stella hanging by the Southend shore. That said, having actually read the press release regarding the album, their PR person DIRECTLY STATES: “these hometown frustrations that can be felt in the thrilling, Vandellas-meets-Springsteen escapism of ‘(All I Wanted Was) Danger’”. Which I copied and pasted directly from the press release for your pleasure. So while the band may never have compared themselves to these artists, their PR person did. Which was one of my original points.

      Now I’m guessing since you’ve taken my opinion- which as you clearly stated, means fuck all to anyone- so seriously, and so to heart, you’re actually friends with these boys or in their “entourage”, related to them in some way, or just a massive fanboy who spends his nights cry-wanking to their Youtube videos because the lead singer Rick will never know just how much you love him and it is one of the greatest tragedies in the world. If you want to defend a band you love- go for it. But do so with a bit more poise than calling a stranger on the internet you don’t know a cunt because you happen to disagree with them.

      I’ve done my research thank you. I am judging them based on their music, not they’re sparkling personalities or super hip leather jackets they’re wearing in most of their videos. I’ve watched a few of their videos and listened to this album. That is time I won’t get back. BECAUSE IT IS NOT GOOD. And you know what I hope they enjoy the time they have playing sold out gigs doing what they love. Because as musicians, their voice isn’t unique enough to propel them into any sort of longevity in the industry unlike The Roots or The Beastie Boys, which THE PRESS RELEASE STATES they’re “inspired by the taut go-to rhythm sections of The Roots as it is the seamless flow of Beastie Boys’ ‘Paul’s Boutique’ (the band’s favourite record)”. So they should enjoy it. While it lasts. Which if this album is anything to go off of, should be the next 12 months or so before they have to go back on the dole living with their parents (all direct information from their press release by the way) and writing and recording songs in a garden shed. Maybe the next time around they’ll put out something with real meat, real soul and actual subsistence.

      You twat.

  11. What I love about this is Michael was presumably feeling as strong a reaction to this album as all these dullard fanboys are to the review.

    But Michael can eloquently construct his reaction into the English language and all the angry responses are lacking in coherence, opinion, thought processes or vision and comes across as “ARGHGHG$%^&*ICUNT%^&UIARGH”

    The video included on this review is beyond parody. It sounds like people who know NOTHING about music, talking about music. And they all come across as wankers. Is the whole thing a joke?

    This is a band for people who bought both The Enemy albums and miss Hard-Fi.

    Superb review.

  12. Dawn I didn’t ask for an essay. I’ve clearly wound you up which I intended to do so I’ll bid you farewell.


  13. And also no you don’t have the ‘self awareness’ to correct your own spelling mistakes you’re just sad enough to read the whole post back once it had been submitted HAHAHA. Middle age has really hit you hard.

    1. “Sad enough to read the whole thing back once it had been posted”- Yeah mate, reading something back after you’ve posted it is *really* sad. That is sarcasm by the way. I understand you may not have the mental capacity to understand such things so I thought I’d spell it out for you.

      You did wind me up. As I apparently did to you with my opinion in the first place, as did Mr. Hall with this entire review. Hence you calling us cunts. Isn’t that how we all got to this place to begin with?

      Oh. And well done on calling me middle aged mate. If I made a spelling error because I’m middle aged (which I’m not), what is your excuse? Lack of education? Lack of respect for yourself or the written word? Or are you yourself so old you can’t remember the basics they taught during school?

      You didn’t ask for an essay. But because you chose to insult myself, the writer, our tastes in music, and continued to NOT GET THE FUCKING POINT, you got one. With a beginning middle and end, a bit of humour, and some big words I’m sure you still don’t understand. Next time you want to insult someone or talk shit about something you clearly know nothing about, try to actually back it up with references- as I did by referring to the press release.

      1. I lyk dis band. One of dem bashes is guitar ennit wyl da ova sings…sick tings.

        UV got nah tayst in music…lissen to NIKI MINAJ, she is wel gd….and Beiber.

  14. Having seen the Milk play at the Boileroom in Guildford recently, I happened upon this review when their album came out. Whilst I enjoy an incisive critique and appreciate an amusing metaphor, this review does little to inform anyone regarding the Milk’s musical style and is a rather unattractive reminder of the pretentious vituperation, which, in my experience, is more commonly found in student magazines. The review seems to focus more on the regional origins of the Milk and comes across as a xylophone of xenophobia, but with just one note that you hit over and over again. Whilst entitled to your opinion, I fail to see how any band, who write their own music and play their own instruments, can receive the type of low rating I would expect for any of the populist Cowell-spawn, which rampage through this country like an uninspired remake of 28 Days Later. Alluding to the band’s possible mental disorders, when you probably haven’t met them, only further serves to highlight that many of your criticisms have all the intellectual rigour of a chimp, wanking into a tyre to the theme tune from Mr Benn.

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God is in the TV is an online music and culture fanzine founded in Cardiff by the editor Bill Cummings in 2003. GIITTV Bill has developed the site with the aid of a team of sub-editors and writers from across Britain, covering a wide range of music from unsigned and independent artists to major releases.