The Cool Greenhouse unleash their fabulous second album on Friday, Sod’s Toastie. The band’s main man Tom Greenhouse was only too happy to answer my questions, and what a splendid set of answers they are! And yes, before anyone writes in to complain about spelling, both I and Tom are more than aware that you don’t spell The Beatles, Led Zeppelin, or Jimi Hendrix like that. If that’s really riling you, you’re missing the point somewhat. Anyway, read on, and let Tom’s inner thoughts (or those of the Neoprene Ravine) delight and dumbfound you, just possibly with a little artistic licence added in here and there, both in this interview and on record, because, you know, you really ought to buy this album…
GOD IS IN THE TV: I like albums that make me go “What the fuck?” – previously Tom Waits has managed it, Lazarus and the Plane Crash have done it, The Blood Tub Orchestra have achieved it, and now The Cool Greenhouse have done it. How important is the ‘what the fuckery’ aspect of your songwriting?
TOM GREENHOUSE: Not to hump my own tuba about this, but for me the difficulty is more making things not SO “what the fuck?” that people can’t understand a word I’m saying. I think if you took a look at some of my lyric notebooks you might consider shipping me to the local loony bin – which has in fact happened in the past. I kind of just know that the stuff I make will be a bit madcap and unhinged, and from that starting point I set into motion the superego and rules of social etiquette to mould the mess of “What the fuck?” into a relatable and semi-coherent sculpture of “Holy Fuck!” The aim of the game is to shake people awake to their surroundings. To do that you need to present them with familiar objects in a different manner. I think. Maybe?
GIITTV: In the title track, we’re all laughing along with the protagonist, delighting in his ineptitude in making this toastie while a series of mishaps occurs, and then you make us all feel guilty about laughing, with a BRUTAL last line. Do you like making people feel uncomfortable with your songs?
TOM: I actually thought about this at great length and considered chopping that final line to appease the wokeflakes. I used to play in a very unsuccessful band fronted by an athletic performance artist who would hang himself at the end of each show by hoisting himself up with a noose with his muscly arms. One show someone in the audience felt very triggered by this and made sure we knew about that. And so I wondered about whether it was immoral to include that line at the end there. But I kept it in because it is authentic and not disingenuous. When the trolls (the fantasy kind, not the internet kind) are on your back like that it really can make you feel like hanging yourself. I went through a period this year where every small logistical, pragmatic detail of my life went so wrong that I started joking that the only disingenuous thing about the song ‘Sod’s Toastie‘ was that if it were true to life it would be ten times longer, and often I would listen to it and think the protagonist was actually having quite a successful and efficient day compared to real life! I don’t necessarily want to make people feel uncomfortable, I’m just telling it like it is. Ha.
GIITTV: A few people I know have compared you to Art Brut but I can hear a bit of Jonathan Richman in there myself, especially on a track like ‘I Lost My Head’ which made me think of ‘Abominable Snowman In The Market’. Who ARE your musical heroes?
TOM: Have people compared us to Art Brut!? That’s worrying. It’s funny that you mention Jonathan Richman because I have been thinking a lot about him recently – I admire his sobriety, humility and kind nature. You can also just tell he has a very special mind, for real, a genuine one in a million. Everything he does is so … pure and genuine somehow. Also what a hunk! I would say he is one of my musical heroes. Actually he’s the only one and everyone else is pants haha. Or maybe the Beetles, Led Zeplin and Jim Hendricks [sic.]. Although I’m probably joking.
GIITTV: There are several bands around at the moment who employ the kind of ‘talking’ aesthetic, though somehow I feel like you’re very different to them. What do you think sets you apart?
TOM: Yeah I wish they would all shut up and get off my turf! Very often now people say we are like Yard Act or even Dry Cleaning but I’ve been sprechegesanging in the hood since before they were born. There is a very strong tradition of post-punk speak-singing in my family dating all the way back to the Scottish clan chieftains who are in my blood and used to have a great band called the Fuck Off and Dies. That’s where it all started. They would tour the highlands making this sort of music and I just inherited the mantle really. In fact I don’t even do it by choice my Victorian upbringing meant I had to go into the family business. I wanted to be an owl expert. But unfortunately that isn’t even a job.
GIITTV: You can count Henry Rollins as a fan. How has that helped in terms of gaining recognition? And how much of a surprise was it to know he loved your stuff?
TOM: Henry Rollins is great. I’d take a bullet for him! He has that very, very rare quality among music industry professionals these days which is that he replies to emails promptly and thoughtfully and is never Out-of-Office. Did you know that at any one time 80% of the music industry is Out-of-Office? They think annual leave means taking a year off. I don’t really know how much it’s helped in terms of recognition because we’re not very successful are we really haha – pull your socks up Henners! I love that he loves us and I think that if everyone was more like Henry Rollins the world would be a much better place.
GIITTV: I laughed a lot at the lyrics on the album. Especially given your deadpan delivery. It makes me wonder if you ever considered doing stand up comedy?
I would absolutely hate to do stand-up. It seems mortifying. Up there all alone hoping you can make people laugh? Wow. What if nobody laughs? If there is a hell it must be your failed stand-up show on repeat. Everyone always bangs on about our humour but it’s not meant to be funny I’m DEAD SERIOUS. Only joking.
GIITTV: Obviously the songs on this album were beamed down to earth by The Neoprene Ravine. If they were to ingratiate themselves with our planet and teach us stuff, how do you reckon they might change things for the better?
TOM: I’d better not say anything too damning as they can still read my thoughts those guys. If you would like to read an interview with the Neoprene Ravine you can buy our record as one half of the insert is an interview with them. I think they are kind of feckless, lazy, jaded and not very nice aliens. I don’t think they would help us out much if they came down here. They would probably just get infatuated with some odd food that we have here like jellied eels or something and then eat them uncontrollably until they exploded and covered us all with alien guts and half-digested eel bits.
GIITTV: It sounds like you’re a little obsessed with UFO’s and aliens on this record. Is that a fair assumption?
TOM: I have a very strong interest in UFOlogy and I used to believe very strongly that the aliens were among us but I am back on the fence about this now. The jury’s out. But I am still fascinated by the subculture (and subcultures in general inform a lot of my lyrics). Either there are aliens visiting earth, which is fascinating, or there are just millions of fucking nuts deluded people out there who are completely insane, which is even more fascinating! On the record UFOs are more of a symbolic shorthand for madness, despair and escapism. You should watch our stop-motion animation video for ‘I Lost my Head‘ which involves a man with a terrible life who believes aliens are trying to abduct his head because it’s better to fixate on this delusion than to reckon with his awful reality. Good eh?
GIITTV: Do you have a lyric you’re particularly proud of? I ask because two of the moments that made me laugh the hardest were “It’s like Windows 98 in here” and then later on the album, where you say how people don’t really like talking about their masturbatory fantasies, unless you force them to over dinner. That really made me chuckle.
There’s a bunch of goodies that I like. I like them all. “Even your mother would eat you if she was hungry enough” is a good one cause it’s true. “It’s not gambling if you’re wearing a tie … even if you’ve got no trousers on” is good. I like the titular story about the Toastie. I think “You gave him twelve quid and a small family of wood-lice in a Swan matchbox for a tip” is very elegant. ‘The Neoprene Ravine‘ has lots of good lines I think – but I guess I didn’t write that one.
GIITTV: What plans have you got for 2023?
TOM: We’re touring the UK and Europe in Jan/Feb so please make sure you don’t spend all your dosh at Christmas and come and see us. Then my main aim is to take us to the USA in a manner that doesn’t bankrupt us – maybe at the end of the year. We’re doing our own booking at the moment so I’m not sure we will get any festivals because they seem to be booked by the mafia and we’re on the run from the mafia. Oh yes if I can squeeze it in I’ll try and make (another?) masterpiece album. Then probably quit to follow my dream of becoming an owl expert.
Main photo: Pawel Harasziewicz
