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It’s Still Real To Me: Royal Rumble 2013

Some say the Royal Rumble is like sex. Even when it’s bad – it’s still pretty good. Following a close parallel to my own sex life, the main event involves up to 30 men in a ring at once trying to toss each other over the ropes. The matches before the Royal Rumble event are merely the foreplay and, whilst probably decent, are ultimately not what you’re interested in. If they’re good – great, if not then at least you’ve still got the main event to come.

But this year the above generalization isn’t exactly accurate. The biggest match on the card for 2013 is unquestionably The Rock versus CM Punk. Punk, who having held the title for over a year at this point, is undoubtedly the person to beat. Depending on which way your allegiances lay, the finish of this match will either be the cuddle after the proverbial coitus of the Royal Rumble match – or the cold shoulder.

This DVD basically contains only the event itself – with a few frankly excellent promotional videos to get you up to speed on the feuds – so a review of DVD is very much a review of this year’s pay-per-view. There is a John Cena “Special Feature” which is essentially an interview piece to camera. At about a minute long it’s not worth the effort unless you like minute long John Cena segments. The Blu-Ray edition looks to have at least seven thousand extras so if it’s special features you want choose that version. So how is the foreplay?

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Big Show versus Alberto Del Rio is up first. My girlfriend, who has never watched a wrestling PPV before, informs me that Del Rio’s personal ring announcer is “annoying” and a “weasel”, but unluckily for her the opener is a decent enough match – Del Rio busting out a fair hurricanrana in the first few minutes and essentially carrying the match after that with some more fast paced attacks.

Next up, the team of Cody Rhodes & Damien Sandow go toe-to-toe with Daniel Bryan & Kane. Some would say that Team Hell No have added some much needed prestige to the tag-team titles, with the team acting in perhaps the only funny backstage skits the WWE have ever made. As a wise man once said – any match with Daniel Bryan is worth your time and money, and this one is no different. (it’s me, I said that)

So two matches in and already it’s time for the Royal Rumble event. WWE have a wealth of talent and perhaps it’s this kind of event that showcases it the best. Kofi Kingston does something patently ridiculous and awesome as usual and there’s a decent flow to the action. Despite this you can’t help but feel you’ve seen the ending before and those looking for a fresh approach will be left wanting. But turning to my lass again, it can (apparently) be summed up in the following ways – “Wade Barratt is a right tosser,” and “John Cena looks like a bully,” and “The Great Khali should use his chin as a weapon”.

So the main event – how does The Rock versus CM Punk stack up? At times it is a very good match up. The Rock is as enthusiastic as ever, though perhaps lacking the stamina a full road schedule eventually provides. The match itself has a well told story but “shenanigans” come into play two thirds of the way through. Sadly the WWE still can’t leave a good thing alone. Whether or not the match brings the end to Punks reign I will not reveal, however I can say that after the rough and tumble tender horseplay of the Royal Rumble match, I was given the cold shoulder by the main event.

God is in the TV is an online music and culture fanzine founded in Cardiff by the editor Bill Cummings in 2003. GIITTV Bill has developed the site with the aid of a team of sub-editors and writers from across Britain, covering a wide range of music from unsigned and independent artists to major releases.