Hello, scroungers! Iain ‘Psycho’ Duncan Smith here, lead singer of The Iain Duncan Smiths. You might remember us for such unforgettable sanction-pop hits as ‘Girlfriend in a Coma (She’s Fit for Work)’ and ‘Heaven Knows YOU’RE Miserable Now’. But I’m not here to reflect on former glories, or brag about our unimpeachable legacy as rock music’s Great Reformers – I’m here to count down this week’s top 10 in a brand new segment we’re calling Top of the Populists. Right, let’s make like a Bedroom Tax offender and get moving…
10. David Davis Bowie – ‘Two Years’
Our right honourable (stop laughing at the back, he is occasionally either) friend, the MP for Haltemprice and Howden, resigned as Brexit secretary late into Sunday night in what one sharp-witted scrounger dubbed a “DexEU midnight runner”. He’s come in for some mockery from sneering metropolitan types, but he’s arguably the finest Brexit secretary we’ve ever had. There’s no doubt he was the most environmentally friendly, if that’s what you’re into – after all, his reluctance to hop on the Eurostar kept his carbon footprint minimal, and who knows how many trees were spared by his steely refusal to take notes? Anyway, here he is reflecting on his two years’ worth of achievements in the role, via the medium of his David Bowie tribute act of course…
9. Snoop Mogg – ‘Gin and Tonic’
Amidst all the Conservative Party in-fighting, Jacob Rees-Mogg is very carefully and poshly positioning himself for a run at Mrs May’s job. In the hope of a ministerial post in any resulting Cabinet, I commend him for his wily maneuvering and back him to the hilt. As his subordinate in the European Research Group (ain’t nuthin’ but an ERG thing, baby), I can assure you that he speaks the same way to all of us as he speaks to all of you dismal plebs – slowly, deliberately, like a teacher affecting patience as a mask for seething disdain. He’ll be performing at our Eurosceptic Song Contest at Edinburgh and Camden Fringes throughout August, but for now do join him in rolling through his ancestral estate sipping on gin and tonic (laid back)…
8. Prince Harry – ‘Purple Kane’
“Keep politics out of football,” I hear you scroungers cry, but what is the World Cup if not political? Taking on Johnny Foreigner with an adversarial spirit that strays frequently into outright xenophobia…that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Frankly we should all be proud that not only is one of our own leading the race for the Golden Boot, but that he also boasts the greatest – or at least the most unlikely – Prince tribute act going. So here’s to you, Harry Kane, and your magnificent purple patch that very nearly took England into an heroic penalty shootout defeat to Croatia…
7. Lana Del McVey – ‘Born to Lie’
My protégé Esther McVey – the Eminem to my Dr. Dre, if you will – has been very hard done by if you ask me. Okay, maybe she lied a little bit about the contents of the National Audit Office’s report into my flagship Universal Credit scheme, but she certainly wasn’t lying about how brilliant it is and how well it reflects on me. Just because she hates you and actively wishes harm upon you, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to be seen superficially as somehow acting in your interests – and that’s why I have every confidence she’ll make a brilliant work and pensions secretary. Not as good as me, of course, but still jolly decent. Oh, and her Lana Del Rey tribute act isn’t half bad either…
6. Sir Christopher Chope – ‘Upskirt Funk’
Good old Chopey. It’s not a popular viewpoint (pun absolutely intended), but he was right to shout down that upskirting bill in the Commons. After all, what would it achieve? Would any scroungers get stomped into dust? No. Would any wheelchair-disableds get tipped out of their spare bedroom windows into the back of a truckload of rat traps? No. Would it do anything at all to enhance my own personal legacy? Absolutely not. So what’s the point? All the same, at least it’s resulted in this tasty little Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars cover courtesy of the Chopemeister…
5. Childish Gammonbino – ‘This is Britain’
Arguably the most important artistic statement of our time on the thorny issue of anti-gammonism. For too long now – a couple of months, at least – those sneering liberal metropolitan avocado smashers have been allowed to get away with hurtful invective that seeks to demonise The Other. So now it’s gammon game on! I hope it doesn’t all end up in a Cavaliers v Roundheads type scenario between Gammons and Avocado Smashers, but if it does I’ll be brushing up on my military training and placing myself front and centre on the pink side of the fence…
4. Borrissey – ‘Big Mouth Strikes Again’
Formerly so beloved for his eloquence and irreverence, now widely condemned for Just Saying What We’re All Thinking Really. No, not Morrissey – Borrissey. He’s been a fine foreign secretary and I’m sad to see him go, but on the plus side he should be an absolute hoot on Strictly Come Dancing. In his latest single ‘Big Mouth Strikes Again’, he takes a candid glance backwards at many of the people he’s insulted over the years and posits the never-more-relevant question: why couldn’t they just take a bloody joke? That’s the problem with you snowflakes, you never see the funny side when you’re getting marginalised and smeared. From where I’m standing, it’s hilarious. Oh yes, Borrissey will be at the Eurosceptic Song Contest along with Snoop Dogg, David Davis Bowie, Farage Against the Machine and anything up to several others…
3. Justin Timberlake – ‘FootballHome’
The erstwhile NSYNC star threw his support behind the Three Lions earlier this week when he released this impassioned England World Cup song, one which was sadly to prove in vain as Gareth Southgate’s men succumbed to a red, white and blue exit. #CRO me a river, you might say – chortle! Erm, you’ll have to be au fait with Twitter’s World Cup hashtags to get that one…
2. Donald Trump & Theresa May – ‘I Want to Hold Your Hand’
How often do world leaders duet on a Beatles cover? Only very occasionally, to the best of my knowledge. On this vomit-inducing rocker, Trump and May sing about topics ranging from Brexit to post-Brexit trade deals, all while clasping each other’s mitts in awkward embrace. It’s epochal stuff, alright, even if Theresa’s Brexit plan is not fit for work. Let’s face it, it’s just Brexit In Name Only – and if she thinks she can placate us hard line eurosceptics by handing us each a “there you go, we’ve Brexited” certificate while continuing to suckle the colons of the single market and customs union like some kind of ghastly, bureaucratic human centipede…well, she’s sadly mistaken…
1. The Tweetles – ‘Donald in the Sky with Diaper’
As shockingly disrespectful to the office of the President of the United States that Trump Baby blimp may be, it has at least given rise to this week’s number 1. The Beatles claiming the top two spots – yes, it’s the ’60s all over again, except this time we all hate each other! Anyway, I can’t condemn that balloon in harsh enough terms, and I am referring to the actual balloon as opposed to the POTUS himself. If I was Theresa I’d be trying to burst it by launching a giant prick into the air, and no, I don’t mean a Boris Johnson blimp. Stop interrupting me or I’ll sanction the living daylights out of you. Just turn off your mind, relax, float downstream and listen to this lysergic slice of airborne psychedelia…
The Iain Duncan Smiths bring their Eurosceptic Song Contest to Edinburgh Fringe and Camden Fringe throughout August. For updates, follow their Facebook page
