Hello, scroungers! Iain ‘Psycho’ Duncan Smith here, lead singer of The Iain Duncan Smiths. You might remember us for such unforgettable sanction-pop hits as ‘Girlfriend in a Coma (She’s Fit for Work)’ and ‘Heaven Knows YOU’RE Miserable Now’. But I’m not here to reflect on former glories, or brag about our unimpeachable legacy as rock music’s Great Reformers – I’m here to count down this week’s top 10 in this second installment of Top of the Populists. Right, let’s make like a Bedroom Tax offender and get moving…
10. Theresa May – ‘After the Windrush’ (Neil Young parody)
It’s a shame the Prime Minister’s barking up such a wrong tree with regards Brexit, because it detracts from the very good things she’s done. I could only marvel at how she managed to visit so much chaos on the Windrush generation, and all on such a flimsy technicality – it really took me back to my pleb-pummelling pomp as work and pensions secretary. Turns out she’s also a dab hand at murdering Neil Young classics…
9. The Peach Boys – ‘Fun, Fun, Fun (at the UN)’
Donald Trump’s United Nations address elicited laughter for its sheer braggadocio, but he seems to have convinced himself they were laughing with him – and that’s the kind of mental gymnastics I just have to stand and applaud. His Beach Boys tribute band have captured the moment beautifully, so that’s this week’s number 9…
8. MC Hammond – ‘We Can’t Afford This’
He’s a bit of a Remoaner, our Phil, but I can’t help but like the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Public sector cuts are a big passion of his, so that’s something we’ve bonded over while sinking a few Merlots in the Marquis of Granby. Here he is as MC Hammer, although with his lust for cuts he’s probably more like MC Scissors…
7. Pussy Grabilow – ‘Groper Kavanaugh’
I’m sure you’ve all been gripped by Kavanaugh-Ford, the new Netflix series. Or is it on Amazon Prime? I forget. Anyway, for those who’ve not seen it yet, it’s about this well-to-do, hard-drinking judge who gets accused of sexual assault dating back to his high school days, jeopardising the Supreme Court swing seat he’s been nominated for by the President, a sort of ‘sinister demagogue’ take on Lloyd Bridges’s comedy President from the Hot Shots! movies. This series has everything: drama, suspense, ’80s nostalgia…kind of like a political Stranger Things. The theme song is to the tune of ‘Copacabana’ and it’s performed by the show’s President, the dangerously corrupt Pussy Grabilow…
6. The Tweetles – ‘Getting Wetter’
The President also has a Beatles tribute band, and this is a cut from their forthcoming album Robert Mueller’s Failing Rigged Witch Hunt. It stems from his uncanny prognosis of Hurricane Florence as “tremendously big”, “tremendously wet” and “one of the wettest we’ve ever seen from the standpoint of water”, while his response to Hurricane Maria also comes under the microscope. A glance through the lens and Mr Trump is reassured that a) he did great, so great, and b) he has tremendously large hands…
5. Chuka Men – ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’
Chuka’s a frightful Remoaner, but in terms of sheer ideology he’s actually alright for one of ‘that lot’ – in fact, I often tell him he should slither across the chamber. He’s never seemed terribly receptive to the idea, often registering his disgust by feigning vomiting noises. Or maybe he’s saying ‘Blair’, I’m not sure. Anyway, here he is urging his party to leader to call off the “attack dogs” – you know, vicious lefties who say horribly offensive things like “you’re not a very good MP” and “why don’t you represent our interests?”. It’s sickening, really…
4. Blair – ‘Warcrime’
Tony is an appalling man, the worst kind of Remoaner, but his Blur tribute band is surprisingly good. On ‘Warcrime’ (to the tune of ‘Parklife’), he reflects on former glories – in this case, the kind of kind of large-scale chaos-creation that yours truly could only dream of. As someone who’s only ever been able to wield death and misery on a national level, I’m really rather envious…
3. Boasis – ‘Spiv Forever’
Boris continues being Boris – nay, cements his Boris-being credentials – on this instant classic from his Oasis tribute band. Singing directly to Theresa May, he lays bare his ambitions to topple her via disreputable dealings and disingenuous power plays, which I’m hoping will eventually result in yours truly being handed a key role in his Cabinet. Home Secretary Duncan Smith? A triumphant return to the DWP, even? Watch this space, scroungers!
2. Westminster Village People – ‘IHRA’
Even more so than England’s run to the semi-finals of the World Cup, this summer’s outstanding success story for our country is surely the successful portrayal of the leader of the opposition as an out-of-control racist. As I found out with my “we have to make work pay” mantra while minister for work and pensions, you can pretty much render anything true just by repeating it often enough. In this song, a group of Labour moderates tries to engineer a leadership coup using the IHRA definition of antisemitism as a sort of bullet-proof snow plow. It’s a masterpiece of modern smear that continues to shape LBC’s daily agenda even now…
1. Mamma May-a! – Theresa May sings the hits of ABBA
Not so much a song as a medley, this week’s number 1 was set in stone the moment our Prime Minister Maybotted her way onto the stage at conference and pledged an end to austerity that could only have exuded less sincerity if she’d burst into laughter midway through saying it. Anyway, do try to enjoy Theresa singing the greatest hits of ABBA…
